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收听播客

Vol.247《我结婚时你不要来 或者你来把我带走》

《我结婚时你不要来 或者你来把我带走》

 

我是一个女生,长了一张乖巧清秀的脸,有着所有家长羡慕称赞的好成绩、听话的好性子。大人们提到我,便是一脸赞扬,标榜。似看到明日之星。但其实,我喜欢抽烟,喜欢了五年。迷恋摇滚,迷恋了好久。沉溺于幻想,沉溺了一生。

 

发行电台:陌声人
主播:猫
发行时间:2011/11/17

 

 

下载

iPhone

 

深夜,点一支烟,淡蓝色烟雾,萦绕指间。我幼稚地沉迷于拿起烟,放在唇边,点燃它的那一瞬。

 

 

我是一个女生,长了一张乖巧清秀的脸,有着所有家长羡慕称赞的好成绩、听话的好性子。大人们提到我,便是一脸赞扬,标榜。似看到明日之星。但其实,我喜欢抽烟,喜欢了五年。迷恋摇滚,迷恋了好久。沉溺于幻想,沉溺了一生。

 

 

记不清我体内的疯狂从何时开始肆虐。似乎是我初恋的时候。羞涩懵懂地喜欢上班里一个“坏男生”。初中生笨拙简单的交往,带着其特有的干净清香。那时我便想,无论如何我都不会放弃这感情,就算所有人反对。但结果可以预见,初恋总是深刻却没有结果的。他因为打架转学,我一个人留在了那里,无力地看着他的座位,看着未来。我觉得有什么不一样了。自此我带上了一张朴素无害的面具,内心的反叛、固执却像水草一样疯长。我知道自己不会妥协,不会就此走入所有人正在生活、正常的circle。

 

 

之后我没理由地努力学习,成绩优异,顺利进入高中。入学的那天,我又看到了他。那一刻,似一缕清风,瞬间吹散了我所有不安与阴暗。我笑了,够了,偶尔能看到他就够了。时间总是感性又无情。三年一晃而过。期间我似一个坐吃山空的败家子,开始两年安静学习,偶尔碰到他,大家相视一笑,忍住内心的汹涌,头也不回的往前走。第三年,我开始逃课,逃考,抽了人生第一根烟,成绩一路下滑。谁都不知道原因,我也不知道,只觉得缺少了什么。就这么混到高考,侥幸过了一本线。后来才知道,那年他提前退学走了。或许那时不是因为他,但谁说得清呢,融进骨子里的感觉与期待,同呼吸一样无意识,没有的那一刻,只会窒息痛苦,却想不到是少了一直存在的空气。

 

 

大学我在省外读,那四年我尽情地释放自我。开始抽烟,学街舞,听摇滚,研究哲学、心理学,谈了一场失败的恋爱。那时我常幻想一个场景:他穿着白衬衣,宽松牛仔裤,帆布鞋,倚在墙上,看对面的我打电话,风从窗户吹进来,吹乱了他的刘海。那一刻的宁静,让我灵魂不断颤抖。生活就在我绚烂的幻想中打着旋流过。而这个场景我想过无数次,几近认为它是真的发生过。

 

 

今,我毕业回家,无意有意地加了他QQ号。两人似老友般谈天说地,近十年了吧,从那时开始。我从未如此欣喜过。不过,大家还是变了,他在为生活忙碌,有过爱的人,或者说还在爱着的人。而我,在家人的期待下,一次次的准备考试,向未来的生活妥协。他说我们不是一条道上的人。我知道,初中时就知道,

 

但我喜欢你,与这一切无关。

 

 

生活让他强装理性,可我从不是理性的人。昨天去参加一朋友的婚礼,在新人倒香槟的那刻,我忽然想起他曾说,等你结婚时我会给你个大大的红包。我很严肃地告诉他,你别来,真的,别来。

 

在这个安静的深夜,原谅我又想到你,写了如此多的过往。是烟草让我感伤了吧。我不知道,也想象不

 

 

到未来,因为你从来都是我的意料之外。My unintendedchoice。我只想说:

 

 

我结婚时你不要来,或者你来,把我带走。

 

 

垫乐及素材:

1:《Toots Thielemans-Old Friend》

2:《潇潇—我只在乎你》

3:《许飞—那年夏天》

 

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