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Vol.904《十年孤寂》

 

从我们出生,我们便买下了一张永久车票,登上一列永无终点的火车。一路春光明媚亦或雷霆交加,终究一日我们会明白:生命中曾经有过的所有灿烂,都需要用寂寞来偿还。

 

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世界上最大的孤独在于你拥有着无可分享的快乐和痛苦。

我们年轻时总觉得最痛苦的莫过于触不可及,最遗憾的大概就是擦肩而过。但等到年纪渐长,触不可及的保留了所有的美好,擦肩而过的还能在对方的城市里相约一聚。而我们那些年轻时燃灼所有青春,爱的铭心刻骨的人,从最亲密的人,变成了最熟悉的陌生人,最终成为了不愿提及的旧时往事。

从我们出生,我们便买下了一张永久车票,登上一列永无终点的火车。一路春光明媚亦或雷霆交加,终究一日我们会明白:生命中曾经有过的所有灿烂,都需要用寂寞来偿还。

 

 

昨天晚上我差点死了。

睡梦里,我在山顶和一群老友欢聚。兴致盎然之时有人递了一只烟,接过来之后,迎着清爽的山风,深深的吸了一口,顿觉肺里如烧灼般疼痛,气管像受惊的树鼠抱做一团,大脑如掏空一般,思维也逐渐如迷幻般游离开来。正在灵魂即将挣脱躯壳自由行走之际,顿然从梦中惊醒,许久未犯的哮喘不约而至。暮光已然透过百叶窗宣告新的一天的开始,慌乱中双手在枕边如瘾君子一般攫取,而永久居留在床头的沙丁胺醇,总算如上帝之手一般,掘开被掩埋的肺泡,把试图挣脱的灵魂硬生生的拉回了暂居的躯壳。今天是2015年6月12日,昨天晚上差点死了,不过这只是个玩笑,现在我依旧躺在北卡明媚的阳光里,面对着生机盎然的绿,如早已脱离束缚的灵魂一般,自由而从未孤寂。

加夫列尔·加西亚·马尔克斯在《百年孤独》中说,所有过往尽为虚幻,回忆不过只是没有归途的路,即使最狂乱坚韧的爱情,归根结底也不过是一种瞬息即逝的现实,唯有孤独永恒。我们或许难以体会乌尔苏拉·伊瓜兰的百年孤独,百年太久,十年却只是一瞬。十年前,我在世外桃源的大学校园里开始了第一段恋情,十年后的今天,我三十岁,在波士顿的Logan机场,看着过往岁月的印记,敲下聊聊几行的关于第七期V语的文稿。随着年纪越来越大,情绪就越来越少。随着年少时成打的日记被付诸一炬,除却未曾停止的声音日记之外,偶尔留在记事本上的,除了工作会议和出游的标记外,也往往就是几句不成文的片段。

2014/12/21,一年中白天最短,夜晚最长的一天。我在美国东南部的一个小镇里,窗前绿荫遮盖,让我机会忘记了远在地球另外一端的故乡,此时该是大雪纷飞,寒风凌烈。看着窗外的一片祥和,我在记事本上敲下:世界上最大的孤独在于你拥有着无可分享的快乐和痛苦。

孤独这个在人类情感中占据举足轻重位置的感知,往往是诱发其他情感发生的一个由头。我们经常听到灯火阑珊的午夜街头,两个孤独的陌生人相伴相拥;一个海边的小酒馆,一个孤独的人在一壶清酒下肚之后,洋洋洒洒的写下一段故事。

一个朋友去年开始自己做公众号,一个人行走,一个人拍摄,一个人撰稿,一个人运营,名字叫“一个人”。一个人狂欢,一个人孤寂,一个人思考,一个人举杯,生活给了我们太多一个人的时光。因为这些一个人,我们渴望一个可以相互取暖的拥抱,而且最好是能有一个每天早晨用轻吻和早餐唤醒一天的另外一半,经历甜蜜,痛苦,理解,误会,耳语,争吵,却还能在70岁生日的晚上海边烛光旁,伴着漫天星空,不必多说山盟海誓,只道一声生日快乐。

因此,因为太多人有所希冀,却还在寻求的旅途中,所以孤寂成为了人的情感中用不可少的一部分。佛说人生十苦,求不得苦,却只是十苦之一。我们年轻时总觉得最痛苦的莫过于触不可及,最遗憾的大概就是擦肩而过。但等到年纪渐长,触不可及的保留了所有的美好,擦肩而过的还能在对方的城市里相约一聚。而我们那些年轻时燃灼所有青春,爱的铭心刻骨的人,从最亲密的人,变成了最熟悉的陌生人,最终成为了不愿提及的旧时往事。

上月在波士顿旁边的一个小镇开会,小镇的名字叫New London,在笑谈当地人懒于思考,或是对这个小镇寄予厚望的念想的同时,对小镇生活的人们的轻松自得也深有感触。手机的充电器落在距离那里83.5英里的酒店里,没有手机的日子居然格外的舒适。夜半突然被梦境扰醒,梦到自己走在家乡的路上,两旁都是杂货铺,醒来却怎么都想不起是什么地方。伴着窗外隐现的晨光,仔细回想着每一个生活过的地方,却最终也未曾在任何记忆的任何角落找到那条街道。

昨天晚上,我差点死了,今天,除了笑自己小题大做,更觉今天阳光分外明媚。从我们出生,我们便买下了一张永久车票,登上一列永无终点的火车。一路春光明媚,亦或雷霆交加,终究一日我们会明白:生命中曾经有过的所有灿烂,都需要用寂寞来偿还。

末了, 又看到自己一行日记:

2015/2/6,立春第二天,纽约刚刚送走一周的暴雪风暴,波士顿的市民已经开始忙于购物囤货,全力迎接即将持续一周的暴雪天气。我接到母亲从家乡打来的电话,冬寒已去,春意渐浓。

 

 

 
垫乐及素材:
1:《As Long As You Follow》-Fleetwood Mac
2:《Storms》- Fleetwood Mac
3:《The Chain》- Fleetwood Mac
4:《Second Hand News》- Fleetwood Mac
5:《Go Insane (Live, 1997)》- Fleetwood Mac
6:《Ate The Positive》- Ac-Cent-Tchu

 

主播:老V
制作:郡子
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