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Vol.1083《偏偏是你的薄情,使我回味无穷。》

 

我不想再和你有任何瓜葛,在这个流光溢彩的美好城市里,我宁愿遇到骗子、小偷、歹徒和劫匪,也不愿再遇到你。

 

主播:陈树

 

 

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去年冬天的时候,好朋友来北京发展,我们约在三里屯的一家火锅店,三杯两盏淡酒,彼此皆有醉意,他突然问起你的情况。我一时错愕,不知如何回答。

那时我已经和你分手很久。

我说和你还是没能走到一起,他说真好,你们就不该走到一起。他还说,不管你现在什么心情,你都必须答应我,这一生都不要再和她有任何瓜葛。

我不想再和你有任何瓜葛,在这个流光溢彩的美好城市里,我宁愿遇到骗子、小偷、歹徒和劫匪,也不愿再遇到你。

可是不知道为什么,我越是想拼命躲避你,就越难摆脱你的阴影。

当时看《志明与春娇》的时候,不能理解余春娇的那句“我很努力去摆脱张志明,最后我发现,我成了另一个张志明”的痛苦。现在回想起来,觉得可能那种痛苦就像小时候在山上看到当地人布下一种专门抓野兔的铁丝扣,兔子不小心被套住之后,越拼命挣脱,那个铁丝扣就越紧,直到最后铁丝深深入骨,兔子奄奄一息。

我觉得自己就是那只兔子。

我还记得2017年元旦那天,我早上醒来,忽然特别难过。因为我发现,我醒来做的第一件事,竟然还是偷偷跑到你微博看你是否有新的动态。

而这件事情,我已经偷偷重复了好几年。

你一定不知道吧,你的每一条动态每一个字我都能倒背如流,甚至你哪一天去了什么地方穿的哪件衣服吃的什么小吃,我全都能够如数家珍地复述出来。

不怕你笑话,我甚至还偷偷百度过你定位过的每一个城市,从南到北,无一例外。

后来微博出了一个“查看最常访问对象”的傻逼功能,我觉得十分慌张,像是小偷在光天化日之下行窃被抓了现行。

离开你之后,我又遇到好多人,不断和人拍拖,也不断和人告别。有时候提心吊胆,害怕自己不够真诚辜负别人良苦用心,有时候也信誓旦旦,告诉自己不找了就是她了。

可是有一天当我看到房间里落灰的桌子和盛着剩饭的餐具,忽然感觉就这样在柴米油盐和零碎琐事的时间里度过一生,还是觉得无法接受。

在《前任3》里,林佳告诉孟云如果有一天我们分手了,我就狂吃芒果过敏而死。我在电影院看到这里的时候,忽然就想起了你。过去我们也总会发很毒的誓言,似乎誓言越响亮,我们爱对方就越深刻。但现实是,后来我们那些发过的誓在分手那一刻全都不再算数。

我现在已经不在随便发誓了,因为我发现誓言的本质和谎言没什么不同,都是蛊惑人心的骗人把戏。

对了,我换掉了你觉得超级帅的那张微信头像,现在的头像长年累月都是一个飞机的舷窗,窗外是有一天在南方某座城市降落时看到的落日的场面。

你过去曾对我说,偏偏是那些琐碎的小事让你觉得美好。比如那天傍晚,和我在陌生的城市街头迷了路,索性就在转角那家麦当劳点了杯可乐,一起等待日落。

我后来常常去看日落,也常常回想起你说的这句话。

分手之后我去了好多地方,每到一个新的城市的时候,我都在想,你是不是也曾经或者将会来到这里,在游人如织的古老建筑面前驻足凝视。当初你的梦想就是环游世界,我却总笑你不切实际,不如学我脚踏实地一点。

但当看到你终于一步一步靠近梦想,不断实现每一个当初在我看来不切实际的目标,甚至在那些我从未听过的异国小巷留下你欢笑的影像的时候,我终于明白,原来每一种选择都有其意义。

你适合看遍世界,我适合留在留在井底。

在离开你以后的这几年里,我时常反思我们的过去,反思得多了,竟然成了能帮一些朋友解答一些问题的情(sè)感(qíng)男主播。然而他们不知道,你才是这一切的起源,也是这一切的答案。

你离开那天天空晴朗,惠风和畅。没有一点征兆,也没留一点余地。

旁人不知道,怨你薄情。但我是知道的,你爱过我。从眼睛到嘴巴到头发,到你的每一寸肌肤都爱过我。

所以即使最后你走了,我想起来还是很快乐。

我们已经很久没有再联络,我不是没有想起过你,但我实在是没有当初的勇气敢在酒醉后的午夜拨通你的电话,用我不甘心的追问换你不耐烦的回答。

我已经开始了新的生活,又有了新的恋情。过去我总是认为错过你,我这一生都只能凑合。但现在发现,似乎后来出现的每一个人都挺不错。

只不过,再也没有人像你一样伤害我,却让我觉得是我的错。

 

垫乐及素材:

主播:陈树
制作:郡子
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图片来源作者

陌声人
微信公众号:mmoofm

 

 

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