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Vol.1081《没有不乖这回事》

 

孩子没有不乖这回事,也没有所谓的行为偏差,有的只是我们还未了解的真相。而当我们说孩子不乖时,其实是带着权威和不尊重的。我们的孩子不会说父母不乖,我们也很少说某个大人不乖,却把这样的字眼用在孩子身上。

 

作者:安心 | 主播:沧蓝

 

 

 

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父母如何回应孩子这件“天大的小事“,决定了我们对孩子80%的影响力。

孩子如何才愿意配合父母的要求?怎么听,孩子才会情绪“降温“?如何对孩子产生正向影响力?,引导孩子生长出蓬勃的生命力?《在远远的背后带领》要回答的就是这些问题,教孩子不去伤害,也教孩子不被伤害,我们与孩子的沟通方式,就是孩子未来与世界的沟通方式。

没有不乖这回事

刚上完工作坊的小米突然有了个发现:“我儿子很喜欢自己小时候的衣服,新买的衣服都不喜欢穿,我刚刚突然想到了原因,因为我每次看他小时候的照片都会说你小时候好可爱啊……我一直没发觉,原来他的小时候就成了所谓的‘别人家的小孩’,我一直讨厌‘别人家的小孩怎么怎么好’的说法,原来我也在做这样的事情。家里墙上挂着儿子小时候的照片,所以我真的经常这样说。”

成都有位妈妈苦恼于孩子一进超市就一定要刷卡买东西,在与我聊天的过程中,她突然想起,有一次当孩子拿着她的卡给售货员刷时,旁边有位奶奶把孩子猛夸了一顿,就是在那次之后,孩子才一进超市就要买东西的。

杭州工作坊有位妈妈经过倾听,发现孩子不去幼儿园的原因是感觉被其他小朋友孤立了;不想穿某件衣服,原来是那件衣服穿上身会有刺痛感。

有位成都的妈妈发现,在奶奶把孩子的玩具强行送给其他小朋友后,孩子就变得不愿意分享玩具了。

有些孩子会对他人甚至是自己使用暴力,这些孩子通常都曾被暴力对待过。几年前在北京的一次讲座上,一位爸爸在课间休息时问我:“安心老师,我的孩子总是喜欢打自己。什么办法我都试过了,打也打了,骂也骂了,他还是会打自己。”我对这位爸爸说:“你若不能停止打他,他又怎么能学会停止打自己呢?”这位爸爸当时眼眶就红了,若有所思地道谢离开。

很多时候,孩子的某些行为,哪怕是父母认为不合理的行为,其实跟大人一样,都是为了满足自己的需求。这些需求可能是安全感的需求,可能是生理需求,或其他需求。当然,也有可能是一种情满而泄,由于压抑的情绪导致了某些行为。而我们太容易掉进评判的习惯中,用好与不好或是乖与不乖来评判孩子。

在我看来,孩子没有不乖这回事,也没有所谓的行为偏差,有的只是我们还未了解的真相。而当我们说孩子不乖时,其实是带着权威和不尊重的。我们的孩子不会说父母不乖,我们也很少说某个大人不乖,却把这样的字眼用在孩子身上。

托马斯·戈登博士说,“不乖”是父母的语言,与父母看待子女的传统方式密切相关。当孩子的行为和父母的期待相违背时,父母就会说孩子“不乖”。

在托马斯·戈登博士看来,所有的行为都是为了满足需求。他认为,如果父母能够采用以下原则对待孩子,对父母而言,家庭生活将会减少纷争,对孩子而言,家庭生活也会更快乐。

原则一:孩子和成人一样,有一些很重要的基本需求,而且他们也会努力不断地做一些事情来满足自己的需求。

原则二:孩子并不是不乖,他们的行为只是为了满足一些重要需求而采取的行动。

托马斯·戈登博士认为,孩子的所有行为都是合理的。没有孩子不乖这回事,只有未被满足的需求需要被看见;也没有所谓的偏差行为,那是孩子爱的呼唤。

有多少时候,我们忽略了对孩子的尊重,孩子打碎一只碗,可能得到的是一顿劈头盖脸的责备,而如果是一位成人打破一只碗,可能你只会轻声说“小心哦”。

孩子胃口不好,不想吃饭,通常我们都不允许,而换作大人则无所谓。甚至孩子想穿或不想穿某件衣服,都需要得到我们的允许。

孩子发表某个与我们不同的观点,我们就启动说教机制,如果是对成人,我们则有可能一笑置之。孩子的行为我们不接纳,就给孩子贴上一个“不乖”的标签,但我们极少会说某个大人“不乖”。尊重孩子,有时就只是简单的不评判孩子,不把孩子当作不懂事的小孩看待。

 

垫乐及素材:

作者:安心 | 主播:沧蓝
制作:郡子
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