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Vol.1026《只是我不再等你了》

 

最后为你书写的情书,是2009年至今,已经时隔八年。这八个年头来,我不止一次想给你写封信。我知道,我没有收件地址,甚至没有你的新电话号码,我们距离535公里,我们明明离得不远,却要花上一日的时间才能抵达彼此的城市,只是我们不能相见,所以,我再没见过你。

 

 

作者:小书简 | 主播:立夏

 

 

 

 

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年纪越大,我越发记得当年的点滴,我觉得人真的是很奇特的物种,当年的小性子感受出来的不愉快,这些年我已经一点儿都记不起来了,对于你,我只能记得那些美好的点滴。但我不常回忆,因为每每回忆都会让我深陷其中,感受到我们之间的错过是一种痛。

我记得你和我一起上渲染课时做的模型,就是我理想中未来的房子,尽管那已经是十年前,但我的喜好依旧如此,不曾改变。而那时起,我们的步调是一样的,你爱着我所爱的,我愉悦着你愉悦的。直到如今,都是如此,你和我都不曾变过。

这些年,我走过许多地方,看了许多风景,我站在古老的城墙上,望着远处的天空,发现它蓝得彻底,却没有你。我去过清澈的湖泊,看远处翱翔的鸟儿自由自在,却没有你。我去过奇美的寨子,看着绝美的景色,却没有你。我跋山涉水去看最静美的村庄,却没有你。我该如何告诉你,我希望你能站在我身边。但后来我不再这样奢望,我只希望在某个山川角落,我只是偶遇你,与你相遇,只是说那么几句话,那也就足够了啊。我甚至能猜想到你在颠簸路途里晕车的模样。

最悲伤的事莫过于在痛苦回忆中往昔的快乐。

后来,时隔6年,我终于见到你。不是在某个街角的咖啡店,也不是在繁华的闹市里,是近午夜的冬日雨夜,站在公车站撑着伞的我,看到摇下车窗对我微笑的你。那日我卸掉妆容。换上牛仔裤和粉色卫衣,这是我和你还在一起时最常有的装束。而你摇下车窗的那一抹微笑一如我刚遇见你的那个夜晚,亲切且熟悉,仿佛一下子就把我拉回到十年前,刚认识你的那个冬夜。

我设想过我无数次我们再见的场景,但我却没有胆量设想更多,因为我无时无刻不在悼念着我们逝去的感情,觉得像隔着的这段距离,像是隔着一个世界,而我与你,是无法相见的悲凉,是我在茫茫人海再找寻不到你的悲怆。甚至这些年我已不再对谁提起你,只是时常会独自在夜里听林一峰的那首歌《一只烟的时间》,再为自己点一支烟,用手指残留的烟草味去怀念你。

九年前你对我说,不要抽那么多烟吧,对身体不好。如今你抽得比我还凶,还频繁。你已经不再像大学时那么清瘦,但你的手指依旧修长,指甲依旧修得那么整齐,依旧那么喜欢摸我的头,这一句好久不见卡在我的喉咙里,咽得我有些鼻酸。原来离我离开你的时间,已经整整过去了八年,而这八年,足够我过掉了小半生,磨掉了我的棱角,只是我仍没改掉这个习惯,思念你。只可惜我无法紧挨着你。

每次与你对话,我都害怕,因为我已平静了太久,想着此生可能都遇不到爱我的人,而你,总会让我感慨这世间已经没有如你一样懂我爱我的人,纵使我知道,你不能爱我。为什么相似的人终将分开,不了解彼此的人最终结合。为什么最终,我们牺牲了彼此,却都没有得到幸福。或许是因为再不能失去你,也失去不了你。好几次差点失去你的联系方式,纵使我们之间的对话本身就少得可怜,可那个时候我还是慌得不知所措,我不知道还能不能再在这茫茫人海里找寻到你。与其说是还爱你,不如说你已经是我身体里的一部分,我知道这凉薄的世间,没有人能为和会为他人的经历感同身受,而你似活在我身体里的细胞,在我孤单的时候我会打开对话框,说与你听,而你,总是静静地看完,不予回应,似乎明白我只需要一个小小树洞,把我的孤独难过一并装入,却无需安慰。

我总怀抱着抱枕入睡,这给我微少的安全感。当我我再见到你时,发现你也如此,你说怕是有人离得太近,惊扰了自己的沉睡,你习惯性地远离,保留给自己一片小空间。不知为何,那一瞬间我感到那么心酸,因为我想起你虽然从不爱让我枕着你的臂弯入睡,说是总被我枕到手麻,可你也是紧挨着我,而如今,你把自己封闭在这小小空间,不再让人靠近。看到这一幕,我竟鼻酸地想要流泪。

我多害怕你不幸福,哪怕是远远地张望,也想看你似少年时那般无所畏惧,无忧无虑,把生活过成诗,却又不乏烟火之气。只是当你静下来时紧簇的眉宇,让我微微又些慌乱,我才恍然想起,原来我们都长大了啊,已不再是当年不谙世事的少年,已无法摆脱现实给我们的枷锁,哪怕你在我眼前像是个梦,这紧簇的眉宇也在提醒着我,我们已不再青春年少,已不能弥补过去未曾有过的义无反顾。只愿,在我自愿退出的你的世界里,有更多的甜蜜,不枉费我的痛苦离席。

当我坠入浩瀚的星河,想要以星辰为伴,是因着我只有这样才能离你更近,在你抬头就能望得尽的地方。我庆幸我们最终没能在一起,没能结婚,生子,相守白头,因为我明白这世间的大多爱情都会被现实击跨,被油盐酱醋蒙上一层灰,会被彼此携带了二十多年的习惯纠结得叫苦不迭,就只剩下责任和身份。纵使我们不愿承认,但这就是事实,所幸我在最好的年华遇见你,也在爱情盛开时离开你,才能让我将这感情保留至今,因为不能厮守才得以珍视,才没有了生活的戾气,而你,永远是我十九岁时遇到的那个少年,白T恤,牛仔裤,帆布鞋,骑着单车载着我,风拂动我的裙摆,我靠在你的后背,听见你的心跳,如此真实,如此深刻,此生难忘。

哪怕我爱你,可我不再等你来,我知道我们终究不能停下脚步,只愿在今后你仍旧是我的树洞,而我仍旧是你心里长不大的小女孩,你,永远是活在我心里的梦。

星河里望一眼光年,尘埃里写一幕时间,云海里读一页情书,海边坐一夜枯骨。

 

 
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作者:小书简 | 主播:立夏
制作:郡子
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